“Your generation is the most stressed out generation. I don’t remember feeling as overwhelmed as you’ve felt at 33; when I was 33, things were different. We weren’t trying to prove everything to one another. We just wanted to ski and be happy.”
My Mom said in one of the many countless conversations I’ve had with her over the years. These conversations occur almost yearly between my parents and I.
I’m stressed trying to prove myself, to myself.
No one else.
By trying to also fulfill what I believe (are/were) all the things I should be doing (and have done) to “make it”. These include:
- Complete Undergraduate Degree and be the first of my immediate family to graduate from college.
- Get job post-college, granted I worked part-time for the first year, quickly realized I needed health insurance, was hired on by a big box store as part of a management training program, only to be told several months later in the midst of a recession, thats on pause.
- Keep working in job but realized that living in the city I was in was no longer for me, so decide to take a leap of faith and move.
- Apply to business school to pursue my MBA, and graduate with an awesome cohort in a technical city with a low unemployment rate.
- Work for a variety of organizations doing really neat things.
- Network amongst likeminded individuals to grow professional contacts, and personal contacts and expand network capabilities.
I’ve completed these things to realize and recognize that in all my conversations with others we are all trying to make it in some fashion. We’re in a constant state of attempting to prove to ourselves that we’ve made it. We are trying to live up to the expectations set by ourselves: getting the job, getting out of debt, owning the car, owning the perfect house, having perfect family or relationship, multiple degrees, experiences around the world etc…
I also recognize that being in a constant state of trying to make it, creates panic, unrest, anxiety, unhappiness and a general sense of failure. We are often focused on making it in regards to the outside worlds perception of our inner self.
“Comparison is the thief of joy” — Teddy Roosevelt
We compare and compare the experiences, jobs, relationships and life that our friends and networks lead. We tell ourself a story that because our lives do not perfectly match our friend and acquaintances, that we are failures, or subordinate, or worse that we are unworthy.
This is simply not the case.
When I first left business school I had the vision of being a Director, Founder or C-Level Executive making high profile decisions that impact the growth of the company. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve replied with that canned response in a job interview.
Six years later, I can truthfully say that it is simply no longer a goal of mine. My goal currently, is to remain present in my work and look at every opportunity as an opportunity to learn, learn so I can leap and create my own business where I am the boss.
My self expectations were created subconsciously through my upbringing. My parents set specific expectations of how I should study, what my schedule looked like, how imperative it was to get good grades. When I didn’t meet those expectations, I caused myself unwanted anxiety because I feared their reaction and disappointment. This was never the case, I was never reprimanded for bad grades, instead it was used as an opportunity to learn and grow, and get a math tutor.
Now, I recognize that other expectations were instilled in me when I saw my parents grow and lose businesses, fight for their worth, fall and rebuild. Witnessing these struggles made me quickly understand that life can change in an instant and what truly matters more than anything is having an attitude of gratitude for life, health and family. One that I still struggle to remind my parents of, even when its staring them in the face.
Next time you encounter a friend sharing how they are trying to make it, approach them with compassion, and your likeness. Hold space for a vulnerable, open and honest conversation. Admit your failures and reservations. Use your lessons learned from failing, and shift them into examples of resiliency.
Recognizing your humanness in another often starts with turning off your blinders to the external bullshit you’re worried about. Instead, accept that the person sitting across the table from you is experiencing their own struggles trying to prove themselves to themselves. Release your grip on internal expectations of yourself, and make space for error — errors and failures are redirecting you on your path. Most importantly, know that your life is about timing. When you fight time you ignore the present, which quickly becomes the past.
Ease up a little, know that we’re in it together. Trying to make it.
