I spent my summer up in the mountains again, breathing in the fresh mountain air, feeling the crisp mornings on my skin, and loving nothing more than feeling the tall, pillowy grass underneath my bare feet. This was my 6th consecutive summer up in the refuge of Idaho. A summer spent working remotely during the day from the back porch of our house, to long evening walks or afternoon hikes soaking up the direct sunlight.
Here’s the funny thing about chapters. Chapters are what you make of them, and while daily we experience the opening and closing of each day (a chapter), we’re also in the midst of constantly writing pages in our journey. Some days they are easier to write than others, sometimes no words come out, but all of these chapters are what make our story.
I heard something today along the lines that for those that you truly love and that love you, they will always encourage you to be better, to try harder, and support your growth and your potential. To encourage you to follow your dreams, and inspire you to fly even when you feel like you’re drowning beneath the current. And the hardest lesson I’ve learned is that while I was showing unconditional and encouraging love, the lesson I was learning was to value my own self-worth.
It’s been a hard thing to bounce back from. Meeting myself daily with compassion and grace, knowing that the deep wound I’ve been working to heal has a scab, and is still slowly healing. I’m getting used to the quiet again, getting to know myself in the quiet moments have been the hardest. And while I miss the company, I don’t miss the eggshells or the constant state of anxiety.
I can see so clearly that there was no future, and there will never be. And accepting that chapter ending, closing and completing is now my next step. Because now I deserve a chapter where I am valued, loved, and held in the deepest respect. That I’m loved by someone with kindness, compassion, and who wants to write a new chapter with me, not edit me into a chapter that leads to a dead end.
