The original title of this post was going to be “How Pausing is an Act of Rebellion”, but I shifted it to joy, because I finally feel it.
Like many of us, the last 3 years have been difficult, anxiety inducing, fearful, scary, tumultuous (insert your adverb of choice here). It’s been a time of chaos, unknowns, illnesses, and isolation. Many people right now are not happy, they are not fulfilled, they are not experiencing joy.
Our culture reiterates this perpetual cycle of being in a hamster wheel. Keep going, keep running, keep building, keep climbing in hopes that when you reach the goal post, you will feel and be happy, and you will also be worthy of the life you so deeply desire. We see this amongst the greatest athletes, celebrities and singers, we see this in parenting, dating, in friendships and in relationships. We are letting our ego, and our toxic culture continue to push us forward for more. I am guilty of it, I, too have fallen into the false prophecy this “striving for greatness” is supposed to bring, and admittedly for the last 3 years I haven’t been happy, and worse, I lost myself in the midst of it.
The last time I felt good was in 2019. I had survived the most disheartening and tragic loss, the loss of my friend Jenn. A bright, shiny light in this dark world. And through months (and years) of therapy, of healing, of learning to swim and drown in the waves of grief, I began to feel like myself again. I felt calm, less reactive, more present. I realized that it wasn’t worth my energy to sweat the little things. They didn’t matter, my best friend had died and the little things were no longer important. And in 2019, something shifted. Something clicked. Perhaps it was my consistent meditation practice, perhaps it was the routine of yoga and wellness I poured myself into, but whatever it was, it helped.
Fast forward to 2023, where the last 3 years have been rocky and tumultuous. I lost myself via a combination of factors, including a relationship, some workaholic tendencies, COVID and its gray cloud of anxiety, and even not seeing my family for a year. My anxiety was high, and although I could sometimes see the forest through the trees, I couldn’t see how vast it was. This year has been filled with transitions. Transitional periods in relationship through heartbreak and acceptance, and a forced, yet much needed sabbatical from work. I chose to take myself on my own version of eat, pray, love, by spending time in the mountains of Idaho, and traveling solo to Singapore and Bali. While I recognize my privilege to travel, I do believe that stepping away and outside of your routine, and breaking it, is the clearest most clean way to begin to meet yourself again.
A friend recently asked why I believe I was put here on this earth. What my purpose is, and I responded with “to love and be loved.” And I know that that work, that doing and being love in and of itself is a full act of rebellion. That being a beacon of light in a dark world can be a tumultuous and dangerous task.
Joy to me is beyond the common definition. It’s in the every day little things, the good morning texts, the sunshine on the skin, listening to your favorite song, or how a new lipstick may make you feel confident. It’s in the first morning sip of coffee, of turning the pages of a good book, its of the unconditional love from animals and pets, and the hellos and check-ins from friends even if it’s simply just a sentence. Joy is the absolute form of rebellion in a world that consistently tells us to hate ourselves. To look for the miserable, to attach to the unknown and to try to control it to our own demise. Instead, its the sunshine peaking through the gray clouds on a dark day. It’s in the little moments that we have become so disconnected from because we’re all too busy staring at our phones to make eye contact, to feel connected, to be here. Now.
The most magnificent thing we can do as we continue to grow and evolve is to look for the moments of joy. To keep track of them. To share those moments whether in the form of gratitude, or wins, with our friends and family. To practice being grateful for the littlest of things, for me it is always my health, and for being grateful for those that show up by our side holding our hand or having our back through the thick, thin, difficult and easy. You see joy is a feeling, its an encompassing feeling of love, love in its purest form. In its beautiful way that we find happiness and peace, that we find chaos after calm, and how we can continue to trust that the universe, world, god, or stars are always guiding you whether you feel it, believe it or not.
So my challenge for you, is to find joy today. Find it in the littlest of things, those moments and glimmers of hope, smiles, or sparks, and let that joy start to fill you up. Let that be your guiding light and your purpose for being and feeling happy today.
