For the last three years I’ve been disconnected from my Self. Lost in a hurricane of a challenging relationship. One that had moments of love and hope, and simultaneously moments of heartbreak and anxiety. I’m two months out now, and recognize that the partner I called in was one in which is directly connected to a familiar family dynamic. Leading me to step into pleaser and fixer mode at the complete compromise of self.
My breaking point was a breakdown. A breakdown in front of him, which confirmed his lack of capacity to support me, hold me and just show up. He couldn’t do it, and deflected, so uncomfortable by my tears, only stating one word sentences without even trying to understand.
It was sitting in my intuition for a while. The fact that I had to leave. I didn’t want to as I was still holding on to the little confetti pieces of hope, thinking this time it would be different. Instead I was a hamster in a wheel, going crazy.
I’m proud of my ability to love. I show up with my full heart, wear it on my sleeve and give it my all. I love hard. Perhaps that’s what having a heart issue is about, you love harder than most because you recognize the preciousness of the heart. But what I learned is that you can’t love someone who doesn’t love themself. Their inability to love their own self means that they likely won’t be able to love you, let alone love you in the way you need.
It’s a hard pill to swallow. This idea that the love I gave was not enough, or couldn’t be reciprocated. But what I remind myself is that it has nothing to do with my worth, with my being, or with who I am. Words he threw in my face at the end stating I need to be vulnerable, which was really his projection. Instead I should have held up a mirror.
There are ghosts that appear, moments of longing and of wanting, but I recognize that if I stayed I would have lost myself fully. And that this experience unfolded as it should. Giving me the opportunity to redirect and re-route myself to figure out who I am now, and what I want.
Starting fresh isn’t easy. It’s been quiet. It’s been uncomfortable. But it’s been peaceful, it’s full of relief, and calm, all things foreign but becoming familiar.
I’m working on forgiveness, of myself, of him. Forgiving the expectations I created, that weren’t expressed and couldn’t be met. I’m using this as a learning opportunity. Approaching it with curiosity, compassion, and peace. Loving myself fully, and taking care of myself. Listening to what I need each day and each moment, taking a breath, and sitting with the pause.
